De Anima

Recently, I asked a man (who blogs much more than you or I ever have) a very pressing question. I wish to know which is the mightiest of all the beasts of the forest. As I have not yet received an answer from him, I will begin to address the issue myself.

The only fair way to go about this is to profile each one of the beasts, and to highlight each of their strengths, weaknesses, and any unique characteristics. I will begin with, what I personally feel is quite mighty, the grizzly!

The Grizzly:

Latin Name: Ursus arctos horribilis
Height: 8 feet
Weight: 1500 lbs
Diet: Moose, Salmon, Hikers
Life Span: 30 years
Top Speed: 35 mph
IQ: 23

Strengths: Ursus arctos horribilis is by no means a misnomer. Grizzlies have been known to destroy entire cities if sufficiently bothered, and let's just say it doesn't take much bothering to be considered sufficient. The male grizzly's urine is projected with enough velocity to impale an aspen or douglas fir with its stream. This, coincidentally, is their preferred method for hunting moose.

Weaknesses: Grizzlies absolutely hate forest fires. They do all they can to prevent them, but in the end it is not them who must do so. It is only you who can. Grizzlies are also extremely stupid. Each winter, entire families of grizzly bears gather together and hibernate in close proximity for warmth. Of course, they have filled their stomachs and bladders quite thoroughly before going to sleep. During the winter, one by one, grizzly bladders give way whilst the host bear is still asleep. Woe be to those bears unlucky enough to be sleeping next to a male, as the interior of the cave is promptly coated with their bowels.


Next up - The Chimpanzee